There are moments in your life that can completely stop you
in your tracks, make you look back and wonder, how in the world did I get here?
It is one of those unexplained
moments. One of those moments that stand still
and seem so unbelievably unreal that you feel nothing. It paralyzes you in
every sense of the word “paralyze”. This has happened to my family twice in one year. They say
“Bad news comes in threes”. Oh how I pray this is not true. In April, our life
as we knew it crashed before our eyes. There are times in your life when you
remember the perfect day. There are also times when you remember the worst. We
experienced both those days within a 4 day period.
I remember the warm spring breeze on our faces, the laughter
of our children and the joy of being with friends. Little did we know, that
four days later we would be greeted with a completely different feeling. A
feeling that is so painful that your body
goes into survival mode and you cannot control any of the emotions you feel, it is utter loss. This was what we felt the day our dad went home to be with the Lord. How in the world would we make it through this? How is this happening? Question after question filled our mind. Anger, pain, joy, sorrow, praise, wonder, jealousy. To name a few. I thought there would be no way we could make it through this dark valley.
It has been almost 5 months since we lost him. Just when we
were starting to get more comfortable with a new normal and life without him,
we were hit with yet another paralyzing moment.
Monday started out like any normal Monday. Kids were grumpy
and slow to get out of bed. Mommy was tired and had a lot to do that day. Two
meetings, laundry, bathrooms to clean, pick up from school, and soccer. As I
was finishing up meeting with my last house guest, I heard someone coming in
the side door. I was nervous at first because I was not expecting anyone else.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a arm slowly move. I said “Hello?” As I said
that I heard a quiet voice “It is just me….” Jeff appeared in my living room. I
looked at him and said “oh, what are you doing here? Did you forget
something?”….Jeff answered “no…I am just home early.” RIGHT THERE…..That was
when the moment began. Jeff never gets home early. Defiantly not on a Monday
and not at 10:45 A.M! I calmly asked him
“do we need to talk?”…”Yes, we do.” As I walked outside I felt my stomach turn.
I felt my body beginning to break down all over again. I had to keep myself
composed. We had someone here that I had just met and I didn’t want her to
think I was crazy. The words that came out of his mouth were not connecting to
my brain. “She let me go…. She figured a way to do it and she let me go.” It
didn’t set in. I hugged him because I knew that was what I needed to do, but it
didn’t set in. I came back in and with all my might I composed myself enough to
finish our meeting and send her on her way.
These moments are ones that are hard to understand. Until
you have been there you will never understand them. You will never know the
anguish it brings, the uncertainty, the unanswered questions. How in the world
are we going to make it out of this in one piece?
God. That is how. During both these moments, I have found
peace. You may wonder how in the world you can have peace during this time.
Here is how. I have a God that promises that He will never forsake me or leave
me. He is not going to forget about me. In most cases, it is more likely for me
to forsake him and leave him then it is for Him to do that to me. Did I want to
run? OF COURSE!!! Do I still feel like that from time to time? YEAH! Does the
fact that we only have enough money in our possession to last us the next
THIRTY DAYS freak me out? Yes. It. Does. BUT I have a God that owns the world.
He has riches beyond our minds comprehend. He has felt pain. Pain of the
cross and of searing loss. He has felt rejection from others and loss of
friendships and those who have betrayed him. He was the Son of a carpenter. He
was not raised in riches, yet he owns everything. So, why do I have peace?
Because of that. Because I know that my God is greater than anything this world
can throw at me, because my God conquered DEATH!
This is not how we expected 2014 to turn out. If you asked
me in February how I saw this year going I would have told you that we were
excited for this year and all the things God had planned because he had allowed
us to receive such a great job, a wonderful house, and a new opportunity for
all of our lives. If you asked me in September how I saw this year going, I
would be a loss to explain all that has happened and all that God has allowed
to happen, but I can still say, I am excited. Do I say it with as much
enthusiasm? Not really, but I truly am excited, because right now, we are fully
in the hands of the Lord. There is nothing we can do, but trust his plan. There
is nothing we can do, but sit back and let him carry us through.
About 3 weeks ago our Pastor preach about the time when the
disciples were in the boat and Jesus had gone to pray. He told them to get in
the boat and go. As they headed on their way across the sea the weather picked
up and the wind started to rock the boat. The storm became so terrible that
they started to become afraid. They called out to Jesus for help and he walked
on the water to them and told them to trust him. Peter wanted proof that it was
really Jesus. So, Jesus told Peter to get out of the boat and walked on the water
to Him. At one point he took his eyes off Jesus and began to sink. We will sink
if we lose faith in what God can do. HE MADE A MAN WALK ON WATER!! Our pastor
said something that made a lot of sense “Sometimes we have to get out of the
boat and have faith.” This seemed so profound. However, after I told my sister
this she said something even better she said “yeah, but sometimes it is best to
just stay in the boat and trust.” Why is it sometimes that we have little faith
and need to see God do something great to prove who he is, like being able to
walk on water? Why can’t we just trust and obey. He told them to get in the
boat and go. I am sure he knew a storm was coming, but maybe he wanted to see
how they would handle it. Would they freak out and want to turn back? Or would
they stay in the boat and trust that He was going to guide them through the
storm and take the hits of the waves that crashed on the boat. He was going to
feel the shock of the lightening and the boom of the thunder, but he would have
it all in control and they would be safe because they were in the boat.
Sometimes we need to hear him say “I got this. You stay right here and I will
knock the bad stuff away and bring you to safely.”
This has been a hard year. I can’t lie and say it hasn’t. I
don’t want to lie and say that it has been great. I am hurting. I feel my heart
breaking over and over with the pain of losing my dad and knowing how hard each
day is for my mom and sisters. I want to be able to put on a brave face for my
kids and tell them everything is going to be ok. I want to ease their pain and
their insecurities. I want them to understand that God has a plan for this and
even though right now it feels like a big puzzle in a box with missing pieces
it is all going to come together and God will be praised in all of this. Do I
cry in the shower? Yes of course I do. Do I cry at night while lying in bed or
when a song comes on the radio in the car? Yes. I am hurting. My husband is
hurting. My children are hurting. My family is hurting. This pain is a pain
that can be felt by the softest of touch. HOWEVER, we know this pain will be
healed and is healing and with each day if we stay faithful and in his perfect
peace we will find that one day our pain will not hurt as much and we will
praise him for what we have learned through 2014. It is not a year as exciting
as we once thought, but it is a year that we have dedicated to Christ. He has
to work this year out. We have no power or control to make it a great year,
only God does.
We will praise him through this storm.
